Ok there is no escaping it.... it is Christmas time! Time to celebrate, time to stress, time to bake, time to be legally sneeky, secretive,and of course underhanded, how fun!!!

  So what will we do for Christmas? how can we do everything in one day? how can we be in more than one place at a time? this is what we do.

On christmas eve day we go to my husbands family's house and have a christmas dinner with them.

On Christmas Day we stay at home with just me, Jim and the girls, this year we might have close friends over for dinner as well.

and On Boxing Day (for us Canadians) we go to my moms.

each of these events are different and important to continue and at first it was a struggle to know where to go, with three sets of family it was important to share it with everyone. This arrangement works well for us and I know it is sometimes hard to accept and perhaps one year we will change it, as I know that Jim would love to have his family to our house for the christmas dinner and stay home for christmas eve so this is one tweak that still needs fixing. I would have thought that after almost 11 years of marrage we would have figured all this out by now, we just do our best and hope that everything will work out so we are all talking to each other by the end of the "celebration"

  I once knew someone...someone who should have been influenceable in my young life but whos life was too young already and was unable to know me.

I never knew this person as I thought I should, I never missed him as my life was full. But there was always the thoughts and questions, now these questions and worries are gone and in its place is a nice cotton filled void.

Now dont think me heartless or cold as now I am warm, I know now for sure what could never be... or even needed. Like the end of a story, it is time to close the book. I know that I have great morals and character regardless of what has happened, I feel sad not for what I have or have not lost but for a very young life that was thrown away because of guilt, percieved or not.

I wish to spend this time saying my good bye's,

good bye to my guilt

good bye to my shame

good bye to the black shadow

good bye to the questions

I have spent a whole lot of time thinking about this topic and realise it will make a whole lot of sence to no one who might stumble upon it, but this is something that i needed to do, a release if you may.

Has anything changed? yes I do think that it has... my wings are dried and now i can fly.

 Good Bye Doug, I hope you are happy now.

  This is what met him on the other line, Glen his father called quite late at night on Friday.

   Its your Grandmother, she has fallen again....

   From the look on Jims face i knew it was not good news so i ushered the children who were getting ready for bed out of the room and helped them get tucked in with assurences that daddy would be there to tuck them in shortly, meanwhile my skin has grown clammy and my heart was beating hard. My husbands grey shocked face was not one I will ever forget.

   This Sunday was to be a day of celebration, Jims Grandmother has been looking forward to celebrating her 80th birthday for more that 5 years, it was her way to get her family together who has been feuding since I married into the volitile family 10 years before. We were to go and have dinner in a nice resturant of her choice then we were going to finish off at her house with her favorite, ice cream cake.

  But a visit to her friends house Friday ended all that...

A woman full of vitality up to about 4 years ago who loved to travel and visit with her bridge buddies had to sell her car and in sort her freedom for a motorized scooter. It started with a nasty fall that left her on the floor for 3 days unable to move and too week to call for help and went down hill from there often stumbling and falling into a pile on the floor her quality of life has been on a slippery slope for a very long time, living in extreame pain and on the morphine patch her reality has been taking a beating, long burried memories of carring for little Jimmy has made her believe that caring for our children is just what she needs to get her youth back, and it has been with heavy hearts that we have had to tell her that no we are sorry but.. the girls are just not going to be able to do that.

   Racheal (grandmother) Has two children, one son (my father in law) and a Daughter who is a childless University graduate who knows every thing about everything. Two people could not be more different from each other. But we were all going to brush this aside even for one night to celebrate with the Matriarch of the family.

  Racheal made a trip into the "powder room" when she lost her balance and tried to catch herself with the shower doors that she diddnt notice were open. So this proud proper English woman fell into the bath tub of her friends home, and very quickly ended any hopes of her family comming together for a celebration on Sunday.

   Although I dont know the whole details she is at home resting and i am sure hiding.  I do hope she will be ok and it was only her pride that was hurt mostly and we will be able to try dinner again next Sunday as now her whole family is now more than ever willing to come together to celebrate with her.

   Is this what it takes for some families to get together? a wake up call? a dissapointed woman with swollen hands? the thoughts of our dignafied grandmother just off the biffy dumped into the bath tub of friends?

  My husband sat for a long time with the phone in his lap after talking to his father and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said it was his fault she had fallen..... He really didnt want to go to dinner with his aunt and her husband and he felt that maybe he wished so hard for it not to happen that perhaps he willed something to happen. I know there is no way he could have wished this on any one, especially his beloved grandmother . But I understand his guilt and i am proud of the renewed vigor he has to be with his grandmother on her special day, was this the only way? God does have some strange ways about him......

  Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl with long flowing hair that was as long as she was tall,her skin glowed pale pink in the cool breeze, her steed was a large Elephant whose lumbering steps made a ballerena look clumsy.

   This was the fantasy I had as a young girl about an unknown girl, and as I grew older she turned into a clestial beauty that every boy loved and all the other girls wanted to be friends with, she had no pimples, she was slight in figure, and never had problems in school. In short she was everything I wanted to be but wasnt.

  I bring this up today because yesterday was  to Raw, this Girl has now grown into a woman with two of her own babes, my nephew and neice (whom i hve never met)

  Yesterday was her birthday and the day which for many years was the cause for many heart ache.

  I met the little girl who turned into a woman just when I was to be flush with the birth of my youngest Daughter, when I met her she was beautiful and graceful just as my dreams knew she would be.

  But how quickly dreams turn into bitter reality, she grew up fairly close to me although no one knew it, but my dreams could not be farther from the truth....

  Beauty most times can only go skin deep, Sometime during her growing up she resented me, resented that i stayed and she was placed in another loving famimly who loved her beond what any one else could imagine, but yet it was I she resented.

   .....Your sister called!  this news was delivered while I was still on cloud 9 with the birth of my own beauty, within a short time I was to meet her, and although it was a strange meeting I was pleased to meet her. It wasnt until the summer of the same year that I had her visit my home with my family for a week that I was sure there must have been a mix up.

  She was bent on mudding up the calm waters with my whole family She wanted me to know that my other sister (with whom she said was increadibly close to) was taking drugs, that she thought my uncle was gay and that she thought that my life was one she might like to live.

   It started out nice as far as could be expected she moved into the guest room that I spent many pained hours getting ready just for her, and progressivly got worse from then on. My husband was the object of affection and any time she could be in as little or no clothing she was, I watched her young son as she was on holiday you know. I heard about how hard she had her life, her father drank and her mother loved her Brother more. And she had a strong urge to find our father (who knows what he might have to offer?) Soon the week was over and she left without another look over her shoulder to see the mess she left, but before she drew out her sword of dissapointment she looked sweetly and my Jim and told him that not to worry she could have the sons and proceeded to look at me and smile.

    Bon Voyage!!!

  That was almost 9 years ago and it has taken me a very long time to get over that visit, sometimes i am not sure i am,  I still have festering wounds over her sharp barbs, after getting as much as she could from my family and then some she left to her other family.  One day I was told she was to marry she had found the man of her dreams , I attended her wedding and was surprised to meet the man with whom she  was going to spend the rest of her life with was very drunk and was hardly able to stand straight, nor was he willing to look any one in the eyes. There was no wedding cake as it wasnt thought of. It was a very sad state of affairs, I went home with a very heavy heart for both my dreams of a fairy princess and for my long suffering mom.

 No one expects life to be ugly or unkind, nor does any one want that for any one else, so I wish Shelly (where ever you are) great happiness and health, I wish your children great successes and increadible grace, and one day I hope to meet them, your son I knew only as a very young boy.

  Happy Birthday Shelly Dawn I hope life is what you make of it.

  I know that this isnt what was expected when I was to blog, but I was feeling so melencholy yesterday I had to get some thought out of my head, Please understand.

Some trials

As a youngster I saw children playing around in restaurants in malls any where and generally running amuck!  At that time I decided that if I ever have kids they would defiantly not do that, I have raised my children with only one real rule..... The Golden Rule.... Here it is law any one who dares go against it will suffer the wrath of me... the golden rule is simple and self explanatory, you treat others with the same respect you want for yourself, just as plain as that, if you want to be hit and yelled at then by all means go ahead and hit and yell!.....

  I have also taught them that every time they leave our front door they are ambassadors of the Smith name and we don’t want any shame or embarasment  to come to that name.

  When they were just beginning I taught them to use two words, please and thank you, I told them they were magic words, and indeed when ever they used them they were magic.

  Now that they are 8 and 9 I have no fears of letting them go anywhere from a visit to the queen of England,to their best buddies I know they will use their very best manners

   I got a lot of flack for being so strict about manners and was asked many times to go easy on them and please is not necessary, but I held my guns, even hubby thought I was going a bit far about insisting that they say please and thank you so much but now I know I did the right thing....

pregnancy

  I love my babies no one knows that more than they do, but when it comes to pregnancy, no thank you!

   When i first learned i was pregnant December 1994 i was filled with glee then it quickly turned to uncertainty.

   Right away i started to get sick in my pregnancy, I had morning noon and night sickness, I spent 2 weeks in the hospital for kidney stones, But before that i spent a week on the couch praying to god i wouldn't die, then on second thoughts I was afraid i wouldn't die, I never thought pain could be so bad.  When i got out of the hospital, the all day sicks started to go away for a bit and then it was just morning.

  On the 28Th of August I had a regular check up with the Dr. this is when we decided Baby would be born via C-Section, The ultra sound showed that she was going to be in the 9 pound area, and with my short statue it was going to be a very difficult birth, see she was 2 weeks over due and had not dropped into position i was so uncomfortable, and tired i agreed to everything they said, if they had told me that hanging by my toes would be the best for me i am sure i would have given it a try.

   So we went home had a terrific dinner, called the future grandparents and told them Baby would be here first thing  on the 30Th.  I remember the doctor telling me to get sleep because i needed it, and there wouldn't be much time after baby was born to catch up boy was she right, too bad i didn't take her advice.......

The Unknown

.. I never did get the sleep i really should have, we stayed awake most of the night excited and a whole lot scared about what was going to happen, we knew that a baby was going to change things in our life but we really didn't know just how much until Hailey was born.

   Going into the OR was a really scary thing for me, i was pepaired to go into labor and give birth naturally, but going into a sterile environment with every one behind masks had to be more scary than the boogie man himself! I went in with only a slight idea of what was going to happen, when i say slight what i really mean is... i knew i was going to stay awake and Jim was allowed to come in... I was surprised when I was told that i had to be prepped and Jim was to wait out of the room... (even now after all this time i tear up thinking about it)  I was to have an epidural and any one who knows me knows that i must be fully versed on all points before i am comfortable. Everyone knew their job and i had complete faith in them i knew i was going to be OK, no one died of fear did they?

   very soon after Hailey Beverly-Ann made her appearance she was a beaut! all 8 pounds 5 ounces of her! As soon as i held her i knew i was in love! and i just had to have another! (crazy? i know)

   Hailey was 16 months old when Kassidy was Born. Why the rush?.....

Sad Day

  It is a sad day today on the eve of mothers day, as today I must say good bye to a true friend, in fact a pair of good friends, as friends like these can only truly  come in pairs.   My shaggy worn out slippers have finally tread their last.

  Oh how wonderful they were keeping cold toesies warm and safe from small sharp toys. They were fuzzy slip In's that were blue,purple and mauve in a patchwork design, with rubber soles, they were perfect for dashing out of the house to take the kids to the bus stop, even in rain.

   As I sit and reflect on my poor dear departed friends I can not help but wonder if I really appreciated them to their full potential, did they know how I loved them? they were the first things I put on in the morning and the last things I took of at night, every one knew about my slippers and we became inseparable, but now I must say good bye.

  This brings me to another thought, do my children know how much I love them? do they know how I appreciate them? And how lost I would be without them?

Little lessons are being taught to us every day, am I quiet enough to hear?  Am I wise enough to listen?

  Today I believe I have learned my lesson, I need to show my children and Husband how much they mean to me and not to take a minute with them for granted whatever the reason I can give....

Kassidy has been on her medicine for just over 3 months and I am happy to report, I have a new daughter, OK not literally but figuratively.

  She was reading at a barely grade one level when we were going thru testing and now she is catching up with her class and will be ready for grade 3 with the rest of her class, her confidence has just exploded! I am soo proud of her, she has been thru some really scary things in the last little while and she is terrific at remembering to take her Meds, She isn't so very tired any more and can almost make it  to 8:30 now! (he he he ) also one of the biggest improvements, she doesn’t fall down stairs as much anymore, she was having so many seizures for awhile she would fall down the stairs almost every time she tried, she didn’t know she had fell until all of a sudden she found herself on the floor, how scary is that?

   I just wanted to up date and let every one that 'baby' Kassi is doing great!

Med's

What Kind of Mommy?

WWW

I was amazed when I heard horror stories about potty training. Maybe I was blessed or perhaps the girls liked the pee pee and poopie dance I treated them to when they were successful, who knows but i had no real problems when it came to potty time, maybe this is why I have problems now?

   Finally after much frustration I am in the process of making a W.W.W rule or chant or what ever, it very simply stands for wipe, woosh and wash.  I have thought that by now after years of success that I could finally relax because the girls know what to do,right?  but.... after every time they went into the bathroom I found my self asking the questions I knew the answers to, did you wipe?"ummm..." did you flush? " uhhhh...." did you wash? " oops!.." it was beginning to be a real issue, now I have a crude sign set up and any one who doesn't know better thinks I am going a little far with helping my girls get acquainted with the computer.  On the bathroom door I have a reminder that simply states W.W.W!!!  I think it may be working as I hear the woosh of the potty and the sink turning on, now if I can only convince them that the soap is not there just to keep the soap dish company.

Why the rush?

  Why indeed? If you asked me at the time I am sure I would have had no answers, But now I can come up with many....

  When I learned We were pregnant again I was thrilled, but issues started to arise, after my C-Section with Hailey i developed alot of scar tissue in my uterus, and although the doctors never came out and said it, I knew that I was still very weak physically to support another pregnancy so soon.   I had a  great desire to deliver natural  (I felt very short changed that i missed "the right of passage")  (more of this later)  But great disappointment prevailed and we planned the birthdate of our baby two weeks into my pregnancy. 

    Knowing when the baby is going to arrive has some real advantages, everything was ready and waiting when the time came and there was no surprises.

   The only real surprise was when I was told that Since this was going to be our last baby "It had better be a boy, to carry on the Smith name of course," This was told to me by some 'well meaning' In laws.  What started out as a joke quickly turned into stress, I had a little one at home needing every ounce of patience and guidance and I had a baby inside me needing every ounce of anything else i could give, I felt 'used up' inside and out quite literally, I fell into bed at night completely worn out and drained.  With the doctors warnings ringing loud in my ears i took alot of care to eat properly and avoid anything too straining, (ha ha ha )

   When Kassidy Lynn was born on December 19, 1996, a healthy 8 pounds 7 ounces i was so pleased, this time i knew what was going to happen and so we were more prepared. I was not however prep aired for the depression that hit so hard and would be so debilitating for so many years....

MAID To BE A MOTHER

Welcome to the home that lives within this house.

Where loving little kids are all that really count.

The dishes in the sink, the crumbs on the floor, and all the dirty laundry are secondary chores.

Now don't assume me lazy by looking at this mess.

I've put in 40 hours and still don't take a rest.

I polish little minds as bright as can be, I sweep out tiny hearts and keep them pure and clean.

Each and every soul is scrubbed until it gleams

I also pick up spirits should they ever lose a dream

So push the cloths on over and have yourself a seat- Excuse the toys and cookie crumbs sticking to your feet.

Judge me as a mother not the maid i ought to be.

I'd prefer two sparkling lives, to a house dirt free.