Ok there is no escaping it.... it is Christmas time! Time to celebrate, time to stress, time to bake, time to be legally sneeky, secretive,and of course underhanded, how fun!!!

  So what will we do for Christmas? how can we do everything in one day? how can we be in more than one place at a time? this is what we do.

On christmas eve day we go to my husbands family's house and have a christmas dinner with them.

On Christmas Day we stay at home with just me, Jim and the girls, this year we might have close friends over for dinner as well.

and On Boxing Day (for us Canadians) we go to my moms.

each of these events are different and important to continue and at first it was a struggle to know where to go, with three sets of family it was important to share it with everyone. This arrangement works well for us and I know it is sometimes hard to accept and perhaps one year we will change it, as I know that Jim would love to have his family to our house for the christmas dinner and stay home for christmas eve so this is one tweak that still needs fixing. I would have thought that after almost 11 years of marrage we would have figured all this out by now, we just do our best and hope that everything will work out so we are all talking to each other by the end of the "celebration"

  I once knew someone...someone who should have been influenceable in my young life but whos life was too young already and was unable to know me.

I never knew this person as I thought I should, I never missed him as my life was full. But there was always the thoughts and questions, now these questions and worries are gone and in its place is a nice cotton filled void.

Now dont think me heartless or cold as now I am warm, I know now for sure what could never be... or even needed. Like the end of a story, it is time to close the book. I know that I have great morals and character regardless of what has happened, I feel sad not for what I have or have not lost but for a very young life that was thrown away because of guilt, percieved or not.

I wish to spend this time saying my good bye's,

good bye to my guilt

good bye to my shame

good bye to the black shadow

good bye to the questions

I have spent a whole lot of time thinking about this topic and realise it will make a whole lot of sence to no one who might stumble upon it, but this is something that i needed to do, a release if you may.

Has anything changed? yes I do think that it has... my wings are dried and now i can fly.

 Good Bye Doug, I hope you are happy now.