… For many years I walked as if in a daze, moving forward in life with both bad and good experiences. Never really realizing that although going through the motions I really was not living life to it’s fullest.

Finally after what felt like a lifetime I met Jamie. We became fast friends and there was not anything we could not talk about. He listened through my many tears, as I did with him. We both soon realized that we were falling in love, and decided to take the step and commitment into marriage. The healing began.... We have been together ever since, separated for short spurts only twice. Once while he went to visit his aunt with his mom, and once when I went to meet Deborah Louise. The separations although necessary were unbearable to both of us, and we have decided that never again will that happen. Where one has to be, the other will go along.

When I went to meet Deborah Louise 9 years ago this past December it was with a mixture of joy and fear. Joy that I would finally be able to hold my baby, Fear that I would not measure up to her fantasy of me. Thinking back on this time, most of our time together is a blur. I know we talked for a very long time, and we felt an instant bond. It was hard for me in the way that this child of mine was now a young lady, with so many years from her birth to our meeting, missing. Over the years when I thought of her, it was that memory of the single touch, of the wonder of gazing on the innocence of a newborn’s face. Although I could see how much we were the same and I loved that we were again finally together, inside my heart still ached. I had given up a baby, and in return received back a young lady. A young lady with a different name, now known as Shelley Dawn. A young lady who was herself a mom.

I don’t really know what I expected of that meeting – maybe mostly I just wanted to know that she did not hate me for what I did, and more so for what I did not do. The guilt of signing those papers, when deep in my heart I know I did not want to, but to young and broken to be able to stand firm for her is a guilt that is still with me today. In many ways I feel I have let this child of mine down.

I wanted her to love me so badly – I wanted… I wanted… I want… I cannot even put it into words… the closest I can come is to say I wanted to turn back time to the moment this baby was born, and take her and hold her tight and never let her go. I want for her to be close to her eldest sister and to her younger siblings as well. I don’t want the void to be there. I don’t want to have to tread lightly for fear she will again go away…. But I cannot turn back time… I cannot take back the things I did back then… I can only move forward….

And so here we are getting to know one another again after much time has passed. I want to walk slowly, but at the same time I want to rush forward. So much time has gone by, so much time has been wasted. I just cannot stay silent for long. I have so many mixed emotions that I need to sort out… Fear is what holds me back… fear of loosing this baby of mine once again…. Hope is what moves me forward to the tomorrows yet to come.

One of the harder lessons that I have learned over time is how to trust, respect and listen to myself. When you are a people pleaser this is a very hard lesson to learn, but finally after many years of trying to do things that people expected me to do, and me doing them to make people happy, I realized that no matter what I did it would never be enough, and I was doing things not because I wanted to but because it was what was expected of me. I was dying inside because of it!

I don’t think I was born with the need to make people happy. I believe it was a learned extension of myself. As I think back it was not anyone thing or any one person that influenced this in myself, nor any one experience that kept me in the people pleaser trap, Just a combination of many things and many people.

It finally came to an end when I did something that broke my heart and for a long time my spirit, many years ago when I was 19 years old. As I walked up the dark cement stairs from a basement office and out into the early afternoon sunlight with tears streaming down my face. I had just signed the final adoption papers.

Deborah Louise was born early in the morning on July 28th. Other than my doctor and the surrounding nurses I was more alone than I had ever been in my life. My baby was born and was whisked away within seconds.

Later that afternoon the adoption agent came with papers for me to sign. I refused to see him until I had held my baby. With great reluctance the nurse brought her to me, wrapped tightly in a white blanket. The nurse continued to hold her, and I could only see her from a distance. Never once did she offer to put the baby in my arms and I didn’t ask. As the nurse left the room moments later, I reached out and touched my baby’s dark hair. The nurse hurried away. Soon another nurse appeared in my room and wheeled me in a wheel chair to a small empty room where the adoption agent waited… And as if in a fog I put my name on the line he indicated. I asked him to take a blanket I had made, and give it to the new parents of my baby. He refused…but handed me a picture of my baby. I had two taken he said. “This is not the best one, I thought the new parents deserved the best one, but you can have this one”. I cried. He left, and again I was alone… alone with a picture of my new baby, and the feel of her soft hair burned into my memory… to this day when I close my eyes I can feel the softness.

The next day I begged my doctor to let me out of the hospital. I needed to go home and hold my other baby. He did a final check and signed the release form and a prescription for some medication that would dry up my milk. I cried alone in the elevator, and on the walk into town to the drugstore. I picked up my medication and took a taxi home.

My aunt brought my elder daughter back to me – staying only a short time she soon left. No one knew what to say to me, so they stayed silent, and to this day no one really wants to talk about it. It is like a dark secret they want to keep hidden. I never persisted with the conversations not had. I just cried when no one was looking and took one day at a time.

My heart was broken, and my spirit had died. I was an empty shell of me. My eldest daughter is all that held my sanity in place. She was the reason I kept stepping forward…..

My next post will continue on with the story... Stay Tuned.

Funny how you can go from one day to the next and things pretty much stay the same. Everyone is where they have been, routines stay pretty much the same and then as if the stars figure you are bored - BAM - everything at once seems to do a shift. Not really throwing things out of the loop, but just readjusting the loop so that it can fit and fill different areas of different peoples lives.

And is the case here in Truddle-land, or has been in the past couple of weeks, or perhaps it has been more like a week - either way the time frame is not really important.

It seems as I watch from the mother's sidelines, my 3 younger children are closing chapters in their book of life, and opening new ones. Each moving forward in different ways...taking steps that will lead them into their future - and in turn shifting the loop of our family.

Sharlyn always being the one to try new things first - wanting to live life to its fullest, never it seems allowing her feet to touch the ground for very long is settling! Her and Jason are in love, I can see it in their eyes as they look at each other with a devotion only noticeable from those who have been there. A silent bonding that grows stronger each day. Sharlyn who has been living in the cottage, happy and content to be on her own, is now moving! I have known it was coming since last summer and now it will be put into reality and finality come the first of March, although the process has already started. First came the renovations of Jason's house. Once a confirmed bachelor, complete down to the paper plates, is happy to take a step back and allow Sharlyn to fluff his house. Walls have been taken out, paint has been added, Floors ripped up and re-laid, new cupboards... and curtains hung, plants added. A nest is being built. Together they have worked hard to transform a once bare house into a home. As I watch from a distance with mother's eyes - I think back to another young couple who, what seemed like yesterday, did the same things. There is no unease that comes when you know your child is taking a step that will not move them forward, but will instead hold them back. Although I have times of whim... when I miss the little whirlwind that this daughter of mine was as a child, I smile with pride as I watch the whirlwind of a young woman this child has become. 24 in March she is ready for this step.

The cottage has become a place of healing. The time that Sharlyn spent in there gave her the ability to heal from past wounds. To find her feet and her spirit again. Built with loving hands, it has become as if a warm blanket on a cold winters night - and now it awaits the next spirit to heal.

Just as Sharlyn will finalize her move by the first of March, Brittany will begin hers!

Brittany this youngest daughter of mine, who will be 22 in June is in need of the quiet, healing calm that the cottage has to offer. My redhead spitfire is restless. That restlessness that comes at times of change. A chapter is coming to close in her life, and she needs help with the final pages, and encouragement to move on to the next. Just as it was with Sharlyn not so very long ago. Brittany is at a crossroad, where she needs the time to decide where she is going and who she is going there with. The cottage will give her that. Her father and I will be close to help her along when she takes those first wobbly steps.

Just as the loop is shifting for our two youngest daughters, so to are they for our youngest child and only son.

Benjamin who turned 19 in January is now settled, for the first time, in his own apartment - with a roommate that we are not to sure about, but will reserve judgement for the time being. With one truckload Jamie and I moved all that was important for our last born. This step is a big one for our son, as he finds his wings - learning the first lessons of independence we notice that he is now missing things he did not realize were there. As a mom I have rescued from his now almost empty room upstairs, the few things that he holds close to his heart, but feels he is to grown up now to admit it. Taffy for example is now safely tucked in with the teddy bears to the side of his parents room - although having yet not noticed - I know that one day our son will come looking for this treasured possession. It will be interesting to see how our son handles the new found freedom and independence from his childhood nest. A new chapter is opening for our son, one that will move him from childhood to adulthood - a chapter I look forward to seeing.

And so as the loop continues to shift Jamie and I find that we are also included in this shift. Never having been just the two of us, this is a first for the two of us. From the beginning of our relationship we have always had children around us - and now it is just Jamie and I. Although most would call us 'empty nesters' - Jamie and I prefer to call ourselves recycled teenagers. Both of us are looking forward to the experiences this new found way of life will present to us.

So as the shift settles, and the loop forms a new shape this family will move forward in a new direction that is yet to be discovered.

Shelly, the daughter I gave up for adoption, the one who I have met and had the joy of spending some time with, and then who distanced herself from us has again reappeared in our life. This came in the form of a letter and pictures of her children, Stephen and Alyssa, of which only one I have met.

The envelope handed to me by Jamie late last week produced a mixture of feelings from fear to joy... but I will have to go into more details about this in my next post... as for now I have run out of time...

So until next time ~ Stay Tuned!