So I am running about a week late - trying to argue with the calendar that tomorrow cannot indeed be Christmas eve already! I still have cleaning, decorating, baking and big grocery shopping to do..... but you know what.... it will all get done, and it will be a wonderful holiday even if it don't.

So last night Jamie and I were sitting on the couch watching some show or another on TV, Dudley and Bailey were lounging on the carpet near the Christmas tree.... when all of a sudden the tree started to move! As in slow motion, Jamie and I watched as our finally fully decorated Christmas tree started to lean heavy towards the floor. Although it did stop before the expected 'crash' it was enough to send Dudley and Bailey running for cover. Peeking out from the safety from behind the couch the two of them watched as Jamie and I together went running for the tree. Pushing our hands into the decorated branches to grab the trunk. Once I had a firm hold, Jamie dropped to his belly and scurried under the tree to survey what was going on.... as I continued to hold the severely leaning into the room tree... Jamie headed to the workshop to cut some wedges. After what seemed like a very long time Jamie returned and put the wedges into the holder at the base of the tree... and after another trip to the workshop for more wedges, some wiggling about on my part, the tree is again standing tall, and I pray securely.

I have all the Christmas decoration boxes sitting in the living room behind the couch, and have been going through them slowly over the past week. Moving the empty boxes close to the fireplace, where they sit waiting for Jamie to take them downstairs. I have been adding more decorations to the tree as I come across them in the boxes, and setting other decorating items out along the way. Just a couple more boxes to go through and the decorating will be done.

Jamie is done work now until January 4th, so he will be available as my helper which will be nice.

The grocery list is all made out, and Jamie has offered to take the list on his own and venture into the grocery store to get our supplies. Which he will do a bit later today. This in itself will be a very big help!

Benjamin is also off of work today, and although he has a bit of last minute shopping to do today, he has promised me that this afternoon he will look after the cleaning of his room and bathroom, and then this evening will help with some baking. So the little bit of baking that I will be doing this year will be delegated to my youngest child. With perhaps a bit of help from mom.

This morning I received an email from my brother, and instead of coming into town on Christmas eve, which is normally his custom, he will be arriving on Christmas day. Although I will miss the Christmas eve visit with my brother, the extra time without company will be a  big help. This also means that Jamie will not be staying up till 3 or 4 in the morning talking to my brother, and instead will be able to retire at a decent time - which will help tremendously. And perhaps Jamie and I can take some alone time to just  sit and talk earlier in the evening.

We are still dealing with the headache of the insurance company and Brittany's car. Those people drive me nuts! I did make some headway with them yesterday though when finally I stepped in and made some phone calls.

Brittany and Todd were on the way to meet Jamie and I for dinner when a truck decided to plow right into her. That in itself is bad enough... worse that the driver did not even stop to see if they were ok. ... anyway that is a long story that I will not go into now... but Brittany and Todd are both ok... her car though is another story.

So now it is 7:00 am - Jamie is off to give Brittany a ride to work, and will be back soon  - and I have a bit of work to finish up - and then I will be digging into getting more stuff in the house done. I will however probably be back here a bit later today to post an update on where I am at with everything... so until then....

Stay tuned!

Yikes! Today is December 21st!

Ok I am so not ready for Christmas, but working frantically to be so. After spending all last week sick, and nothing getting done, this week is crazy busy.

Jamie and I finished getting the tree up last night. First year in our history together that it was just him and I to decorate the tree as Ben was off spending time with friends, and the girls all with homes and trees of their own. It was weird, but nice at the same time, and I think we did a fine job!

I think tonight we are going to be going and doing our major grocery shop. Although we already have our turkeys (yes we have two), and a few other things that the stores sell out of quickly, I still have a lot of stuff to buy.

I am not going to do much baking this year, but will whip together a few items.

The house is turned up side down, but I know come Christmas day all the cleaning will be done.

Jamie and I bought a communal gift for Christmas this year, and just have the sock stuff that will be a surprize for each other. In my next post I will tell you about the gift, but for now I need to get off of here and go get more stuff done.

So until my next post... stay tuned.

I have been avoiding posting here in my blog, ever since my last post. Having lots to say, but knowing that this post had to be made before I can move forward.

These last few weeks I have had to do a lot of self healing, and with the healing I have had to travel roads that in the past I have avoided.

There have been several times that I thought I was ready to make this entry, and have actually come in here and started typing, only to be interrupted with one thing or another. I have had to take this as a sign that it was not time yet... but here I am now.

Not to many people know the full story of Doug and myself, and I am not going to go into great details here, but I think it is very important for me to acknowledge the fact that yes Doug and I were in love. As young as we were, there was a strong bond between us for the time we were together. We were both very young during the years of our relationship, and neither of us were able to handle the flood of emotions and events that came our way. To young to know how to handle the world, and our own problems. To young to know that it  was ok to stand together against the world. In the end, it was a very bitter split up. Even though the split up might have happened regardless, looking back I am sad there was so much bitterness on both our parts.

On Friday, December 2nd - the day after I made my last entry - I found myself looking at Doug's obituary again. Without knowing it was coming I found my self in the depths of sorrow. Only once before in my life do I really remember feeling this way. A sorrow so great that the sobs came from somewhere very deep within myself, leaving me in the end gasping for air, and very confused.

And that is the journey that I have been on.

After much thought and very deep soul searching I realized that the me who was the very hurt, sad, and angry young teen has been buried somewhere deep within myself. It was this part of me that was mourning the death of Doug so deeply. That teen has always hoped that Doug would come back into her life. That teen has always hoped that the person on the other end of the phone would be Doug telling me he never stopped loving me. That teen who wished beyond hope that he would be back.... and then to get a phone call to tell me that he was dead just about ripped that part of me apart, for then I knew that all my hopes and wishes as a teen would never come true.

The confusion came when that part of me who was the lost teen, and the now happy grown woman that I am now had to join to become one.

I had to take the time to greive, I had to take the time to let go of long ago dreams. I had to finally after all these long years to acknowledge that the teen and her feelings were real and deserved to be attended to. I had to allow myself to comfort that part of myself. And thus that is where I have been for the past few weeks.

In many ways I was feeling terrible guilt for mourning Doug the way I did, for I am married now to a different man and very much in love with him... what right did I have to mourn someone else?

But I have come to realize that my mourning for Doug, does not take away from my love for Jamie. The mourning I felt is mourning I never did those many years ago... it resided in me all of these years without me really knowing it, and if any hint ever surfaced, it was quickly pushed back down by the anger and bitterness I allowed to fester within myelf. With Doug's passing I was able to forgive not only him but myself as well. With his passing the weight I felt lifting was the anger and bitterness melting away, for I no longer needed them as my defence.

Now as a newborn babe I can experience the living I have not allowed myself to have before now.

There will always be a tiny piece of myself that will continue to love Doug, how could I not when he was the father of two of my children. I can now take the time now to continue on my journey of healing for those past days, but far more importantly I can put those days to rest and move forward with my life as it is now, with the man who truely owns my heart.

My life is such a complicated book, which perhaps one day I will write, but for now I am happy to turn the page to the next chapter, while gently closing the chapter of so many years ago.

I cannot help but smile as I look out my office window and see teeny tiny snow flakes falling....It's the time of the season playing softly in the background... I know as hard as it is this is a posting that needs to be made in order to complete the closure that came to me as a gift yesterday.

Let me try to re-count the events that transpired.

Ring, ring...

Hello?

Hello - how are you?

I am fine, how are you?

I am fine. I don't know how to ask this but... Ummm... I am Danny ???? (last name obmitted for privacy purposes) - I was, am the brother of Doug... ummm... you had a daughter... ummm ummm...

Yes this is the right person...

Ummm ummm... I am just phoning to tell you that Doug died last week. I just thought you would want to know, and that you would want to tell your daughter....

I went from a casual standing position to an immediate sit on the floor.

I managed to pull my mind back into the moment of what was being said to me on the phone as memories of days since past flashed as if a movie through my brain....

I'm so sorry to hear that I replyed to the oviously nervous Danny on the other end of the phone... what happened?

With greif in his voice and little bit of brotherly anger he simply replied, he drank himself to death - his liver gave out, and he died of pnemonia.

Again the only words that could come to mind were I'm sorry. Is there going to be a service I asked, where is he going to be buried?

We are having his remains flown back here and we will scatter the ashes on the farm.

He would like that I said, that is where he was the most happy.

Yes he was, replied his brother.

Danny, thank you for calling, I will tell teri, and I really am sorry.

Thankyou.

Goodbye

Bye

I made that call to my eldest daughter and we talked for a long time - I hung up the phone from talking to her knowing that she was ok.

I told Jamie about the call last night and we spent sometime discussing what a sad story it is. A waste of life that could have moved forward but lived instead inside of a bottle. Sad indeed!

And now here it is today....

I am ok. I feel sad for that life that was so wasted. But the anger and bitterness has now lifted - I don't know how to explain really how I feel inside, mostly I just know that finally after all these years it is ok to look back on happier times. With his passing Doug took away the anger and bitterness I have been carrying all these years and not even knowing it.

Thank you Doug for the gift of two of my children
Thank you Doug for the gift of freedom
Thank you Doug for it really is the The time of the season!